we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
