I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
