The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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