just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
