we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
