Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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