He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
