I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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