New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
