My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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