You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am available for nakedness
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