The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
