what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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