you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
