my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
