i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
