I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
