Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
