i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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