isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
