how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
