If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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