"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
