Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
