i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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