we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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