eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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