Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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