So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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