ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
