3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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