I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
