Your mouth is God's brothel.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
