there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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