hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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