Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
