: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
