hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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