i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
