So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
