i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
