I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
