dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
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