maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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