Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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