When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
