I haven't been this sober since birth.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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