the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
