just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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