Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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