textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
