I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
