You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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