If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
