Three words: puerto rican gang bang
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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