Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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