Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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