Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
